Ultra-Sound - Ultra Weird

I'm sure the ultra-sound room for many couples is a place of tears, joy and celebration. For me and Jake, it was a place of perplexity. Not exactly an epiphanic moment of parenthood.

First of all, the pictures were disturbing. Cuddly baby? Darling child? Not exactly. Try a monster. A writhing, 7-inch, bony monster with massive hollow eyes living in my belly. Not exactly the images to conjure warm fuzzies.

Perhaps a skilled technician would have explained the pictures and process and assauged any concerns. However, our technician hates her job. Consequently, she hates talking to people who are having babies. She mumbled the entire time, didn't explain anything, and didn't laugh at all when Jake asked for a paternity test. I thought it was hilarious.

Perhaps she is a sadist -- certainly this is the right job for it. All she needed was grumpiness and a camera stick -- she had both. I am lying on the table, in the dark, belly exposed and covered with goo, and confused about the blurred images I am seeing. Then she starts to jab me. That's right - jabbing. Then she dug into my stomach with the stick and jiggled. Pregnant ladies are already a little touchy about the extra pudge and the last thing we want is to be jiggled. But she went to town. Apparently, the baby wouldn't spread its legs, obscuring the view and she wanted it to move. I might not have minded as much had I been informed. But I could only surmise amidst each jab.

The baby had to be traumatized also, but it did cooperate. It moved around and gave us a glimpse. I didn't know we had a glimpse, but figured it out when she typed "boy" on the screen without saying a word. Thanks, lady. It's only our first child and our first ultra-sound and would it be so hard to say just those three words -- "it's a boy." When I read the screen and asked how she knew, she said she could see an "artifact." Is that the technical term?

Hilarious. Despite the jabbing and dour technician, Jake and I left feeling . . . happy? Confused? A little freaked out? Sudenly this this was for real. There is finally a face to this pregnancy. It is an ugly, haunting face, but a face nonetheless. We really are having a baby. And because of its "artifact," I know we are having a son. So, we left happy. And promptly went to Carrabas to pig out.

Here's to our future son and the wretched lady who introduced us to him.